When my partner of 15 years left me two months ago, I was temporarily blinded by a fear of failure, desperation and loneliness. The ‘unknown’ has always gripped me in a stronghold that, at times, has prevented me from moving forward. I neatly compartmentalise my life into boxes to maintain complete control, or I thought I did anyway.
The separation has been tough but it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have learnt to enjoy being alone because I am getting to know myself again. I had spent so many years trying to define who I was – within a relationship structure – that I had NO clue who I was. I was constantly unhappy with my life – nothing anyone did pleased me – I always found a way to turn it into a negative. I was stuck in a rut that I had created for myself – no one else was responsible for that, except me.
Now before you go thinking I am beating myself up – I’m not – I am acknowledging the part I played in this breakdown. My self-esteem was low for many years and I simply lost myself. I boxed myself into the role of a mother then a wife. I felt that I had no independence (or time) to figure out who I was; I created this stronghold for myself. I compartmentalised my life into these two roles because I was actually afraid to find out who I truly was.
So for the past two months, that is all I have been doing – finding out who I really am. I have joined social groups, I am going to seminars and I am partaking in activities that nourish my soul. I am meeting up with old friends whom I haven’t had contact with for more than 8 years – people who meant something to me. I am trying out new weird and wonderful things to see if they are things I like to do. I have no qualms putting myself out there now because I am not going to inadvertently disappoint anyone in the process. I have the time and the freedom to be me.
I have released my grip on fear so it no longer has a grip on me. Fear is my own internal fabrication – it’s not real but it is limiting. I am grateful that fear showed up when it did because ironically it has helped me to let it go.
I came across this wonderful blog post today about fear that has further pushed me along this path of letting go and helping me to realise that I have the courage and the strength to move forward with my life. I especially love the Dr Seuss quote, “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know, And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
So what do you fear? How do you face it? How do you move forward?
Live life, love life.