I think it’s easy to confuse hurt and anger, well I have confused the two for many years.
I, like many, have suffered through trauma and experiences no child should ever have to go through but it happens. As an adult I have also experienced loss and trauma but again, it happens.
How I am, today, as an adult is the result of hanging on to more than 30 years of hurt. Over the years, this hurt materialised into anger and seriously, I have been stomping around like a wounded bull. Get out my way motherfucker! And subsequently wounding people who love and adore me.
Today I have decided to stop stomping. I have given in to the hurt so I can feel it – I haven’t allowed this to happen for many years. By acknowledging the hurt, I can feel it deeply then I can release it.
To feel emotions is the wonderful part of being a human being. If we didn’t feel, we would cease to exist. To feel love is wonderful and to feel pain is excruciating. But we can’t let our feelings drive how we behave. By acknowledging how and why we are feeling the way we are, we are essentially validating ourselves.
My mantra since I was a child was ‘control my emotions’. Put them neatly in a box and put them to the side. Well I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work so I am now going to try it my way. I know first hand that it’s not nice to feel hurt but I can no longer ignore it – it will not go away until I accept it for what it is and let it go. Then I will be free.
Being human isn’t always easy. We all know this. But I would rather feel alive – like I have been for the past few weeks albeit in a tonne of pain – than feel like a lifeless body walking around. For if I have the capacity to feel this much pain, I have the capacity to feel as much love.
Life is for living, not hating.