The day I let the love back in

Being a single mum isn’t easy. It can be full of frustrations, banging heads against brick walls, and just bloody exhausting. So when my son’s dad walked out two years ago, after a 15 year relationship, my foundation that was life, cracked right down the middle. I won’t lie – I felt like it was the ultimate betrayal, it felt like death.

After 8 months of our son to’ing and fro’ing between households, the father came to me and told me he only wants to see his son every other weekend. He can’t cope. His son was interfering with his dating nights. Hell, he even asked me if he could take him on one. Needless to say, my heart broke, and I did lose the will to love. I thought I knew betrayal when he walked out – but this was it – a man walking away from his son. For months, every single judgment filled my soul, and I filled myself up with hatred and anger. I spiralled into a dark pit of despair, I was filled with rage, sadness and beneath it all, self-loathing. How could I have picked so badly? How, how, how? I blamed myself entirely for fact that he just didn’t want to be a husband, and a father, anymore. On the weekends when I didn’t have my son, I drank myself into oblivion, I wanted to shut the world out, so I completely shut myself down. For months it was dark, and very cold.

After a few months (read: 12) of self-loathing, I wasn’t getting anywhere with beating myself up, and quite frankly, I had suffered way too many hangovers. I was over it. So I started piecing myself back together. But this time, I really wanted to. I stopped the excessive drinking, and started to look at the real reasons behind my rage, and I faced them. It was ugly, and painful. My first battle was the resentment I felt for being a mum. My son is the most amazing human being I know. Why put a wall up to loving him?

So five days ago, I broke the wall down. I faced my resentment, and anger, and decided to let it all go. I replaced the hate for love, and what I feel today, is momentous, it’s real, and I chose it. And I’ll never sacrifice love again, not for anger, hate and sadness. And I will never again sacrifice the love I have for my boy over the anger I have for his father (I’m still working on this!)

I will choose love. Every time.

dx

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